Trying

Every day I think about what would happen if I did something. I constantly worry about little things. To tell the truth I feel like I send myself into panic attacks because honestly if I truly think about it I make everything so much worse. I cant control the things that come out of my mouth, and sometimes I even have a tendency to take everything and blow it drastically out of proportion. I grew up learning that the people closest to you are the ones who hurt you the most. I learned to build a wall and shut everyone out. Even my friends, I hurt all of them and now they are moving on without me. I cant tell you why I cant change this, I try and try to be a better person. To take everything I've learned growing up and push it to the side. It is not easy and it hurts. It hurts because I was basically trained to be white trash and now I am learning to be better. My whole family has issues and I am trying so hard not to be like them. I am trying to be a good person, who works hard for everything they get. It is so much easier to say this than to actually do it. I get mad and I instantly go to calling names to bringing up the past because that is what I grew up around. Here I am 21 fighting to prove everyone wrong, to prove myself wrong. That I can do better and that I will. It takes a lot but I am pushing myself because I know I deserve better. I deserve so much more than I have given myself throughout the years. Keeping a job has always been hard for me because I get going at a good Pace and then I tell myself I cant do it and I believe it. In reality I am capable of so much I just have to keep trying. The ones closest to me just have to patient and to everyone I have hurt I am so so sorry. All I can say is I am trying my hardest, I know sometimes that isn't enough and I don't blame anyone for moving on in their lives without me. I just want everyone to understand what I'm going through and see that I'm doing my best.